In case you missed my Wake Up! new year's post, here's a quick summary of what's going on. My boyfriend drove home drunk one night after being out with some guy friends and flipped his truck and totalled it on an S-curve. No one else was involved, and he was somehow able to extract himself from the wreckage without a scratch. So now our faith in seatbelts and taxis has been restored, and we are both living alcohol free. This doesn't mean that life goes on in LaLa land... there's a second offense DUI for him to deal with (he didn't learn his lesson 10 years ago in his early 20s). Luckily this time he's not just trying to figure out how not to get caught... he's had his own awakenings to changes that need to be made, and the same continues to happen for me.
With a second offense DUI, there's no avoiding jail time even if the judge can tell you are on the right path, and there are lots of other issues to deal with as well. The courts will accommodate your schedule so you can still go to work, so my boyfriend will be spending a few weekends there to meet the bare minimum requirement before going on work detail.
On Friday afternoon I called him... our last point of contact until Sunday night. We both sounded worried and scared but tried to make efforts to talk about gardening projects, running, and the meal we're cooking on Sunday night... anything but about the weekend because neither of us has any idea of what it will be like. It's amazing how disconnected one can feel after just 3 days... we are both experiencing different things and have no idea how it's going. I hope he's sleeping better than I am.
The truth is that this whole thing is his experience, though, not mine. I'm effected by it and have to work through some emotions, but overall he gets to deal with it the way he wants to and needs to. My boyfriend is taking a self-flagellation, rather public, approach. And he's being honest. He's connecting with people in that way -- a way I'm uncomfortable with. A way that caused me to be concerned about my "reputation."
Well, when I faced something like this in my own life alone as a teenager, I was told it was a secret, I was never to talk about it, and I was even told lies that explained my back story of how I transferred to a new high school. It almost made me more of a weirdo... kids didn't know why I wasn't experimenting with drugs or sex and doing crazy things. Not only did those things not appeal to me, but I was also scared straight. I had seen the other path. The options that being a runaway and a juvenile delinquent presented. They really didn't appeal to me. If people knew my story then, maybe they could have learned something... even if it was just compassion for why someone makes the choices they do. And maybe I could've learned leadership abilities and greater confidence.
My mom was hurt, embarrassed, scared, angry, and a whole litany of other negative emotions. All those things rubbed off on me. I built a shell against them and tried so hard to be the person she wanted, to make her proud, to be the type of daughter she wanted. Hence we never talked or communicated honestly. And when I tried to, she accused me of lying because the truth was so different than the veneer.
Honesty is so important to me. Sometimes I still struggle with what I really feel and what my own wants and needs are, so I'm continually working at it. When all this "went down" with my boyfriend, when we talked after his accident, he was afraid we were over. He thought it was inevitable that I would leave him. And I saw it as an opportunity to be there for someone, to learn about unconditional love, and understand a little bit of what my mom went through and change the outcome with compassion and quiet listening and support.
Sure, I'm not promoting it on Facebook, and sure, I have some weird verbal outbursts where I'm processing emotions as they come up... but I wanted to not leave, to not give up when someone needed support. Needed a good role model. Needed a rock (albeit a soft, squishy one). I have to face my own emotional baggage around "ruining my reputation" or "being embarrassed." This is life, and I'm trying to live it veneer free. I'm trying to learn patience and acceptance and love that has a lot of space around it.
It took me a long time to learn to accept myself as I am, where I am. I was always afraid that when people learned about my past, they would no longer want to be friends or want to do business with me. Yet I also don't carry the story with me so much that it weighs me down. I've realized that it has helped me become the person I am, but it doesn't define me. I'm very driven, I'm optimistic, and I'm positive... I've seen the dark side, been homeless, been suicidal, been disowned, and I've fought my way back. Now it's not a fight... my life is one I live fully. And chaotically with lots of clutter. Once I lost my precious veneer, I lost the ability to clean perfectly and present a perfect house. That's okay.
This time in my early teenager days is just one of a million stories in my life. I learned a lot from the experience, and I can also learn a lot from going to the grocery store, fracturing my ankle while rock climbing, walking down the street with my skirt tucked into my leggings, running and listening to stories from parents and fellow travelers in this world, and being there for someone who needs me, how he needs me.
Right now he doesn't need someone being bossy and telling him how to behave and perform (I didn't even need that when I was 14!). He's learning that on his own, in his own way. He's opening up and learning a new way to walk and connect in this world without alcohol. He's making huge changes on his own, in his own way. He's not concerned with the "veneer" -- he's living life out loud, honestly... who cares if it makes me blush or cringe sometimes. I've got my own issues to deal with and learning to undertake.
And I'm respecting his approach more because he's processing emotions by talking, sharing, venting publicly rather than stifling them, packing them down, shaving and wearing a suit so at some point later in life he can just explode. He's doing a natural maneuver to prevent counseling since he's already actively processing the anger, the hurt, the worries and fears as they arise. I'm glad he feels like he can talk to anyone. That builds confidence and trust, and ultimately is the best thing for a reputation because it proves honesty. He's not hiding anything, manipulating for a better angle, or presenting a false facade. He's owning up to who he is and what he's going through, and sooner or later I'll get to the point where I can do the same.
Everything doesn't always have to be "great!" Not that I want to stand around venting about problems as others offer up solutions or shy away, but rather I want to get to know myself better and be in tune with what's really going on in my head and heart and be willing to share those. That's the point of real connection, where interesting conversations happen. Where real conversation happens. I operate a lot on the rainbow/roses/lollipops plain or the to-do list plain, and I'm trying to get to the authentic self level, the motivations, the passions, the real thoughts below the automatic answers you learn when studying another language. I know this language and grasp it fairly well yet am often tongue tied and not present enough or grounded enough to connect. Or really express, or even know what to express and how.
It has been a wonderful journey to be writing more for myself. To get below the day to day monologue of what's happening. It can be hard to dig deep at times, but I love it. And the more I do it, the easier it will get. The more I'll have access to the real authentic answers.
Most of my writing, I don't know what to do with it yet. Will it just be exercises for myself? Will I write short stories or form a book? I'm just following the muse with no concern for outcome. That's not to say I won't share from time to time (like this post)... and in general I hope my increased writing practice improves my writing overall in all aspects across the board, from email to website and Facebook.
I'll be heading to Italy soon, and one of my goals of the journey is to write and write and write. But more on that later... I'm hoping to share some of that writing with you in special ways.
This didn't end up being the short, quippy Guide to Having a Boyfriend in Jail, which I could write... yet hopefully you learned something from it, and you can see that I'm still learning along the way. Tonight we'll be reunited, and I'll show my support by cooking some rockin' good food so we are fueled for the next installment of this journey.
